This physical world is no longer the same knowing you’re not in it.  A large part of me asks me why did I let so many years go by without checking in.  But in reality, I was fooled by social media into seeing your travels and smiles and thinking you were fine and just living your life.  Ever since you went off to college, I figured you just flew away from the nest, building your own life.  Once you graduated, I also figured you were just living up to working hard and playing hard, traveling the world like how everyone should.  

Little did I know that I would receive the worse news I could ever imagine: that you passed.  I don’t know much details and I wasn’t able to physically say goodbye and that breaks my heart because now, I wake up everyday thinking this idea of you gone isn’t real.  It was just some crazy prank or rumor gone wrong.  But then I look at your Facebook and Instagram and see — it’s real.  

You were battling depression and I didn’t know.  To know this, and to know how much you were suffering with this battle breaks my heart.  How could someone so kind, smart, hard working, loving and genuine be prescribed with something so cruel?  

You were like a little brother to me during our time together as friends and co-leaders to our youth group.  I would be sassy, you would try to roast me back and run away from any repercussions, and the cycle repeats.  We had real talks about your first high school girlfriend, inappropriate topics, and (dirty) inside jokes.  We ate together, roasted other people together, and adventured together.

These photos were taken during a retreat I was co-leading.  I endured a small bout of depression where I genuinely felt like death was the better solution to the pain I felt.  I bore my heart and soul to a room full of people in which I did  not know because going through what I went through, I felt like I needed to share my story to maybe help others in realizing they weren’t alone and didn’t have to be alone in their personal struggles.  It wasn’t about me.  But yet, a few others as well as you lined up out of concern and love to make sure I was okay.  You lined up to tell me you didn’t know, but hugged me to tell me you were there.  I might have forgotten that tidbit, but you made sure to remind me.  

After the emotional purge, I was wiped and burnt out.  I didn’t want to interact with anyone or talk to anyone.  But then I saw you sitting in the back/middle of the room just casually with a box of snacks in front of you.  You were the most comforting and reassuring face I saw so I sat next to you.  You smiled at me and your presence eased me back to reality that things are okay.  

Through your lost, it’s been heartbreaking, enraging, and confusing.  But yet, looking at your pictures, thinking back to our history together and just remembering you for all that you are and were to me, it brought me back to that sense of calm that you’ve always done for me.  A part of me quickly feared you felt alone and didn’t have anyone to help you in your own time of need.  A part of me thinks we all failed you.  But, I don’t buy that.  That has been so much outpour of love upon your passing that I don’t believe you thought you were alone or unloved.  The issue is beyond those around you.  It was and is the deeper issue that you faced.  

You were the light in my life that night when I felt so lost, bare and vulnerable.  That light you gave me during our time together as well as whenever we saw each other in passing will never be forgotten.  Instead, I vow to take it with me everywhere I go and share it with others.

You have been with me and amongst your family and friends and I know that we all will keep your spirit and that light with us forever.  

I’m so glad that you had those who you had in your life.  I’m grateful that you shared your light with us.  Cristine, particularly, has been a testament to your character.  She’s the girlfriend I never had the chance to meet in person, but through your passing, we both reached out to each other virtually.  Seeing how caring she is to those in your past (especially having not met them), I know you were a gentleman, a man of honor, kind, caring, loving, funny, charismatic, smart, and genuine as you’ve always been many years ago as well as up until you left this physical world. 

You live on through your partner, family, and friends.  To achieve such feat, you have had to be extraordinary.    And that you were my friend — without a doubt.  

You were the true adventurer I knew, living life like no tomorrow and showing what it means to live life to the fullest.  The few of us who weren’t able to attend your funeral went on a hike in your name, leaving a piece of you there.  I hope to continually do so because the world is a better place with a piece of you in it.  I hope your smile, that laughter, that wit, and selflessness can spread to others.  

Our adventures intersect with others and carry on through this interaction.  Like drops of water in this big ocean we call life, we meet, converge, and diverge, changing each others’ stories along the way.  You are a part of me, my history and how I’m here where I am now.  April the park ranger from Yosemite said it best: We’re all adventurers and that doesn’t just mean people who goes on crazy excursions.  It maybe means someone who, facing adversity, keeps pushing forward.  Maybe it’s someone who is kind to someone who isn’t kind to them.  It could be someone who is brave meaning when they’re afraid, they still move forward anyways.  Now this place is a part of you and you’re a part of it.  So be sure to thank those around you for being an adventurer and carry on the history and story of this place on your adventures and share it with others.   ❤️✨

Khoa, 

This is the first, and surely won’t be the last post of you.  I’ll carry your light wherever I go and try my best to share it with whomever I encounter.  

Love You and Miss You,

XoXxOo